You’ve absolutely got to be on the same page when it comes to finances as a couple – and this is especially true when you have major goals around early retirement.
Remember, it’s often not the act of saving alone that matters.
Asset building is important, of course, but if you’re not aligned to the end goal together (and keeping it in sight all the time), you’ll probably find yourself spiralling into different directions pretty quickly, or losing interest along the way. Here are five ways my husband and I stay committed and motivated to achieve our final financial destination – downing tools at 35 and 44 respectively.
Bring pillow talk to life.
Pillow talk about money is sexy. These are those micro-conversations we have around our dreams and hopes that carve a yellow brick road to Couple Happiness. Where we romanticize our future and what that looks like: where we’re going to travel to, how we’ll live day-to-day, what we’ll do with our time and how we’ll better show up for each other and our children without the constraints of a traditional 9-5.
The truth is that in any normal relationship, there will be periods of famine amongst the feast on the journey to FIRE, and it’s those little snippets of positive dialogue and reconnection that build consistency around habits and create a greater purpose.
It should generally be fun to have these discussions, too. Sometimes we’re not in the mood to talk about cashflow or how much we have to invest that month (if at all, which is becoming increasingly common with a higher cost of living and two little mouths to feed). When it feels hard or unmotivating, we acknowledge that talking about it might create more distance and just put pause on the topic until both of us are in a better place to revisit it.
Don’t lose sight of the basic principles of FIRE.
Keep it simple. When I go trailing off on a wild goose chase of new investment opportunities or my husband starts putting together overly complicated Excel spreadsheets, both of us lose one another’s attention pretty quickly.
When this happens, we try and remind ourselves of the basic logic of FIRE: get rid of our debts (as a big priority), keep the costs of living as low as possible for our situation and then use that extra cash flow to invest in safe, low-risk investments that carry and return our cash. So, the key is to simplify everything. Not just our money, but our life. Basically, figure out what brings us joy and security, and spend on that. Then, understand what interests us and curates the world we want to live in, and invest in that.
When things feel complicated, we take a breath and just go right back to the basics.
Understand each others money personalities.
Some people are spenders, and some are savers, but actually money personalities are a lot more nuanced than that. Some of us spend anxiously, during particular times of the month, and some hoard money when it really actually makes sense to spend (like in the case of a house repair that would be dangerous to leave much longer, or for a pet’s niggling limp that could soon turn into something more serious).
Understanding the minutiae of how money flows in your household and what drives it to come and go can be helpful to ride those waves, and come to a middle ground that feels safe for the both of you.
For example, in cases where someone might spend money frivolously if they see a large lump sum just sitting there, it can be helpful to set up an additional amount on payday to a redraw facility. That way it’s still there if needed, but not as easily retrieved, and there’s no dishonesty or misappropriation involved in “hiding” it. Similarly, for someone who isn’t comfortable spending on everyday things – but it’s important to the other person to enjoy small purchases, having dedicated sub-accounts linked to an offset or a main interest-generating savings account with money that is specifically for those things (and a mutual agreement not to pull from other accounts if it’s all spent) can achieve the same feeling of safety. If someone is a gift giver, and the other person doesn’t care for gifts, having an agreed way to still meet those needs might be helpful, like having a rule to only present a gift when it’s buying something that has actually worn out, or is explicitly needed.
When you get to a place where you better understand one another’s money language, sparks fly.
Don’t play with FIRE if you don’t want to.
Some people don’t want to FIRE. They have no interest in retiring early, or learning how to invest, so pushing a fairly intensive budgeting or savings routine on them isn’t going to bode well. When two people don’t have the same goals financially, they’re tricky waters to navigate.
My husband and I were fortunate in that, while he wasn’t sold on the FIRE path straightaway, he was still very savvy with money and had an interest to learn. We knew we wanted to invest in property, so while we were both earning decent incomes without kids, we saved hard and did that together. I pulled the weight on learning how ETFs, LIC’s and mutual funds worked for the first while but once he saw the returns they generated, he was all in too.
Not everyone has the same story.
An impasse like this is hard. But believe me when I say that forcing someone’s hand will not be worth the work. That’s not to say that you should ever be in a position where you’re investing large sums of money while your partner is spending it all (while reaping the rewards) because that isn’t fair, but perhaps you can find some middle ground.
Some people are simply motivated by working, and that’s perfectly acceptable. Investing may give them more flexible options around work than they had before, allowing them to really take time between jobs to find their next best role, or start a business. Maybe it actually allows for them to continue working and for you to maintain a stronger presence in other important parts of life, like raising children and attending their many activities, volunteering, engaging in hobbies or caring for elderly parents. A reframe of what the lifestyle means can be helpful here – remember, FIRE is not one-size-fits-all.
Get therapy.
This one I’ll keep brief. I believe everybody should go to therapy, even if you feel like you shouldn’t.
Actually, if you feel like you shouldn’t, then you definitely should.